And still, after all of this time, I had more worth to hold.
More self love to feel.
I believed that my cup was full
that I reached a place of true love.
Unconditional love for myself.
I believed I tended to all my past wounds.
I believed I was ready.
I always knew that once I did my work and loved myself completely- one day I would find my soul connection.
My soul love.
Little did I know that he was my last mirror of true unconditional love.
Our love and connection was immediate.
Almost lightening speed.
We grew and then one day I cracked.
I cracked my beautiful cup once again.
Looking back it was like a soul test.
My old pattern of self abandonment for attention stood its ground.
He loved me anyways.
My old pattern of self sabotage and deflecting the good around me crept back in.
He loved me anyways.
My pattern of depression and negativity.
He loved me anyways.
My old pattern of walls and the classic silent treatment.
He loved me anyways.
It was as though my old ego was on her last rampage and throwing every last wound on the table.
Determined that this cannot be true.
There can be no love inside of hate.
No happiness within these scars.
My disgruntled ego took us both for a ride.
I struggled.
Wanting desperately to take her down.
Every day he would remind me of what is here, in the present.
Remind me of what is truly important.
He would remind me of my beauty and my soft heart.
Every day his love for him, me and us was the same.
Conditions did not exist.
Despite what outside drama I would play into.
Despite the on again and off again appearance of my deepest wounds.
He would see me, listen and still love me.
My hardened stories about my dark side felt like they were fighting for their lives.
Feeling like a constant battle between light and dark.
My soul waited.
My heart stayed open, even if on some days that was just a crack.
My mind raced and my body withered.
Eventually.
My darkest fear brought herself to the table.
The question I avoided to ask.
The belief I spent my life running away from.
What if.....
What if I do not deserve this love?
I did not know how to love or be loved without conditions.
You see.
I was always told that bad things happen to bad people.
I wish I was told that sometimes bad things happen to innocent girls.
Just this morning I can finally see how long I've carried the 'bad'.
How long I've held onto that experience and lived within the label.
This last battle had its way with me.
Truth be told, none of this felt good or nice.
Condition or no condition,
this did not come close to our love.
He fell in love with my light and no amount of darkness would send him away.
It was who I was before we met.
The light I nurtured from within.
The beauty in US is that he doesn’t even know my old story.
The beauty in US is that we love each other with the innocence of our hearts and the fullness of our souls.
The beauty is, that love always wins.
Sometimes you just need to wait out the darker storms and
stay open long enough for love to come back.
This.
This is the beauty of unconditional love.
~Ange Arbuckle